Friday, September 12, 2014

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)

This may surprise you guys reading, but I was recently turned into a vampire. I don’t intend to let that stop me from doing my reviews, though. Or really, anything else in my normal life. Because really, being a vampire isn’t a big deal, and those who become vampires shouldn’t let such a pesky detail just ruin their plans. I mean, we all gotta pay our bills, you know.

If you’re wondering why I have come to this conclusion, it’s because I stopped listening to inferior movies such as Near Dark or Let the Right One In, and started listening to From Dusk Till Dawn 2, the only true manifesto of how to be a vampire the right way: don’t let it fuck with your day job.

Director: Scott Spiegel
Starring: Robert Patrick, Duane Whitaker

The first From Dusk Till Dawn wasn’t great, but it was entertaining and had some fun scenes. This one’s a festering, heaving shitpile with no redeeming qualities, and when it's directed by the guy who made Hostel III, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

We start off with some woman in a building on her way to an appointment to be attacked by bats, which is never something you want to be late for:

"I can't be late for my 3:00 either, guys!"

It takes a really long time for the bats to kill her though, and then we see they even do her the courtesy of sending the elevator down to the first floor for her afterward. How nice of them!

"Sirs, this is your floor. Please exit the elevator in a timely manner."
Wait a second, nobody hears things like that when they exit an elevator anymore. JOKE RUINED...FOREVER...

Then we get true genius as we see Robert Patrick from Terminator 2 playing some jackass redneck. He’s hanging out at his trailer and takes time out of fucking a hooker to adjust the TV set. Yes, really. I don’t even know what angle to come at that from.

"Honey, you know I only hire hookers when there's nothing good on TV! But now Duck Dynasty's about to come on! Get out of the way!"

They see on TV that one of their friends, Luther, has escaped police custody and is now on the run. We then see Luther himself calling up Patrick’s character from a payphone. In the middle of a bright sunny day. With a cop car right behind him. He’s sure lucky the cops in this town are of the ‘doughnut shop’ variety rather than anything actually competent or remotely realistic!

I guess the story here is that Patrick’s character Buck is assembling a sort of low-rent Ocean’s 11 group to go and rob some dinky bank in Mexico, because really why not, you know? His first stop is to go get this guy, who likes to make his dog run on a treadmill and make the camera do ridiculous things like give us “bottom of the beer cooler” perspectives:

That's one grimy, dirty looking beer cooler. You sure you want to drink anything out of that? Oh who am I kidding...by Texas standards that's practically squeaky clean.

That’s...so stupid it’s really just sad. I don’t even really have a joke here, because frankly I can’t form coherent thoughts when I’m being shown a camera POV from a dog’s water bowl:

Because if you can't simulate being eaten by an ugly dog in your movie, you've really just wasted an opportunity.

Or a perspective shot from the eyes of a guy doing push ups!

Yeah, a shot of his crotch and legs was really good and necessary. You get an A+.

I realize it’s cool to be all artsy and shit with your directing, and there are some directors who can do really clever shots like this. But...oh, hell, what do I care? Just put your camera in a fucking washing machine next time, you’ll get a really good POV shot from that when you turn it on and film it!

There’s also this jackass named Ray Bob, who is so clumsy he nearly destroys the security guard room he’s setting up when Buck surprises him:


Because, you know, a guy who’s that clumsy is always good to have around on a bank robbery job. I’m also inviting my paraplegic friend and pyromaniac friend who tends to start fires whenever she gets nervous. That’ll really be a good bank robbing team! Make sure to wear all pink and have bells attached to your shoes too. That will truly make it an awesome bank robbery.

They end up staying in some shitbag hotel and watching porn, to which actual time in the film is taken to show - yes, a movie that sinks so low as to actually have characters watching porn as a featured thing in the runtime that takes up minutes of your life.

Nothing gets him off like watching porn with a group of other sweaty, morally questionable middle aged men.
The snuff tapes from Vacancy DO make good hotel room viewing, I guess.

Money was spent putting this moment on screen. You could’ve spent that money feeding starving children or donating to charity or even paying for a bucket at Target so you could dump ice water on your head. And you did this. You absolute waste of life.

Then we get a scene where Luther, while coming down to meet them, gets his truck broken down due to an unexpected visitor:

Get that Halloween mask from K-Mart out of my face.

He goes into the Titty Twister bar from the first one and finds Danny Trejo still working there, even though I could’ve sworn he died in the last movie, not to mention that other little detail - what was it again? Oh yeah - the friggin’ bar blew up!

Gee, I wonder how that reconstruction process went - did they just rebuild during the night only? Was there a big conflict between doing vampire-y stuff like killing people and drinking blood, and doing REALLY IMPORTANT shit like rebuilding a bar?

"Hi, I'm Danny Trejo. I have no standards for what I appear in. At all."

For that matter, why even rebuild it? Was it absolutely vital for the vampires to have some shitty bar to call their home base? I mean, I guess it DOES allow you to have more sequels to this franchise. And cover up the fact that you couldn’t get George Clooney to come back for this one.


So because the movie can’t think of any way to move its own plot forward that isn’t complete fucking nonsense, Luther refuses the offer his friends give to come pick him up, and instead just accepts a ride from Trejo, who is a guy he never met before at a shitty, sleazy bar in the middle of nowhere in a country he isn’t familiar with. Were you literally just born yesterday?

Yes, apparently.

It turns out the bat he hit was actually a vampire, who appears out of nowhere in the desert and, surprise, is in league with Trejo. How did he survive being hit by a car and trapped inside the engine? I know being a vampire gives you some super strength or some shit, but that’s pushing it. They turn Luther into a vampire too rather than just straight up killing him, which makes sense because again, the movie wouldn’t be able to go on otherwise!

Then we see another incredibly important scene with that one guy having sex with some random woman we’ve never seen before. It’s okay though, because we see HER purpose in the film afterward: to take a shower and be attacked by a bat in a long, drawn out scene that results in her turning into a vampire too! But mostly the shower thing.

That's how all women shower in reality - in ways that exclusively make them look sexy and hot for an audience they're not supposed to know is there. Great realism, movie.

The other guy gets turned into a vampire too, and so now they have an entire team of vampires waiting to prey on unsuspecting victims. So what are they gonna do - take over the hotel and turn it into an awesome vampire coven? Turn more people into vampires? Turn more people into food for vampires? Or maybe just rob a fucking bank like they were planning to in the first place.

Yup - you heard it right. They actually just go ahead with the bank robbery plan like nothing happened. I’m sorry, did you just forget what kind of fucking movie you were making?! I admit the idea of a bank robbery movie with vampires MIGHT be cool in a pulp sort of way, but come on! These guys are turned into vampires, don’t question a thing and just go about the robbery like nothing happened? What kinda stinking rotten manure is that?! What’s wrong with you? That’s really the best you could come up with?

Turn the camera right side up, you dipshit. What is this, a Ulli Lommel production?

I mean...come on, seriously? You’re vampires. You don’t need all this secrecy and sneaking around. Just fucking break some shit and steal whatever you want. What does a vampire need money that much for anyway? You’ll be sleeping when all the Hot Topic stores are open. Not like you’ll be able to go and refill your cache of black mascara and pseudo-gothy looking capes that easily.

Oh, and we really needed this POV shot from the lock being turned around in circles:

Come one, come all; ride the tilt o' whirl!

Thanks a lot...ya jackasses.

Then we get a scene where Buck figures out most of his friends have been turned into vampires. For some reason he gets really tense and angry about this - oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know a fucking bank robber had such high-class morals as to care whether his team was human or not. You still got the money, you idiot; just take your share and worry about it later - not like the vampires will be able to follow you once the sun comes up anyway.

But the cops arrive too, and Buck gets arrested while trying to warn the cops about vampires. It’s really odd how quick Buck just accepts the fact that vampires exist. He doesn’t even blink an eye, consider any other options or seem surprised at all. Was he just always suspicious that vampires MIGHT exist and this just validated his insane paranoid delusions?


We then get a long, long, looooooooooooooong battle scene between the vampires and cops in which they fight, fight and….fight some more. It’s indescribably boring and makes watching your dad file taxes seem exciting.


I don’t even know how you make a fight scene this boring - at the very least, the action scene can be the saving grace in a shitty movie like this. But proving that nobody really gave a crap about what they were doing in this thing, even the action is boring, overdone and overlong. The film suffers from this problem any time it tries to put something “exciting” on screen, as I already talked about with the “bat attack” scenes earlier - to compensate for having little to no other ideas or points of interest in the film, it just stretched out the fight scenes to a bloated extent. Well, I can see the fucking stretch marks, assholes.

We get the most convenient eclipse in the world, right as the sun is coming up, allowing the fight scene to go on even longer. AAAAAHHHH!

"Uh, hi, yeah, I'm the most convenient and plot-pandering eclipse ever made. Sorry to budge in, but the poorly written script says I have to."

We then learn several cool things, like that signs are perfectly good weapons for vampires to use in a fight, because it's not like they have super strength or magic powers or anything:

"Yield!"

Also, whoever thought this was a good idea for an action shot - you only see their shadows through the entire action sequence - needs to be Indian burned:

I didn't know the Shadowboxing championships were in town.

But finally, after what seems like an eternity of this bland nonsense, we finally see all the vampires killed off. Buck makes friends with the sheriff who just lets him go despite the fact that he committed a crime. So there’s a real-world application for ya - if you’re planning on robbing a bank, just kill some vampires nearby. That will get you off the hook.

Otherwise, this movie is the pits. Bad characters, annoying camerawork, no real story or direction and a complete waste of the ‘vampire bank heist’ concept. This movie was not only bad; it flaunted its badness, as if somehow proud of its ceaseless, unrelenting idiocy - it constantly just paraded its badness in front of your face without even trying to hide it. It's seriously a test of patience and sanity to watch any of this thing, as there is absolutely nothing in it resembling quality filmmaking. It is one of the most irritating, asinine and ridiculous things I've ever seen.

Oh well. This movie blows chunks and I'm still a vampire. I'll have to consult my therapist about it.



Images copyright of their original owners; I own none of them.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Vacancy (2007)

It’s a shame about modern thriller movies. These days they might be getting a bit better, but for a while in the mid-2000s, it was pretty hopeless. While people had some decent ideas here and there, the bulk of what was coming out was either serial killer torture porn or Hitchcockian ideas backed up by a lack of any sense. Vacancy, though it is about snuff films, tends to be the latter - like the writer just went “hey, I have an idea about two people trapped in some place. Do I need anything beyond that, or am I just good?”

The studio, sniffing out the scent of cheap dollar bills with their usual acute senses, goes, “Nope! Just crank it out and put in some chase scenes and people with stupid masks! That’ll make a good movie!”

Alas, poor writer’s muse - we knew ye well.

Director: Nimrod Antal
Starring: Luke Wilson, Kate Beckinsale

Co-written with Michelle.

We start off this one with the longest and slowest credit sequence in the world, in which the names are revealed in some comic book-ish manner that’s more annoying than anything…this goes on for three fucking minutes, which is proof to me that this was just a mind-washing tactic from the producers to numb everyones’ brain into watching the slop that follows.

We then get two horrible people driving alone at night. They’re played by Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale, which in itself is proof this thing had no original ideas. “Hey, who should we get to star in our C-list thriller?” “Hmm, we need a man and a woman with little credibility or discerning for movies but who are juuuuuust barely attractive and well known enough to get people to recognize them...how about Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale?” Yes, I don’t even think anyone else was even considered.

Their thing is, they argue. A lot. They even argue about whether or not it was a squirrel or a raccoon they almost ran over in the road:

They actually argue about whether or not it was a raccoon or a squirrel. That's some of the first lines you hear them speak. Wow - a new low for horrible unlikable asshole characters.
And it's obviously a fuckin' raccoon. Rocket the Raccoon will be so pissed that you got that wrong.

My favorite part is probably when Beckinsale says she had a dream about Wilson killing her by strangling her at a party where her mother wouldn’t stop talking. I was just waiting for Wilson to go, “wait, honey, that wasn’t a dream! That really happened! I’m in therapy for my homicidal urges; remember?!”

Apparently, to my eternal shock, these two miserable dipshits are getting a divorce. I don’t know why, as clearly they’re perfect for one another: they’re both awful, mean-spirited and negative human beings.

They’re on this road because Wilson decided to take some detour off the Interstate because he thought he could get them to their destination faster. I guess he’s never seen a horror movie in his life. Seriously, who does something that stupid in real life? Just stick to the Interstate, you moron! What was his thought process even like?


“Hmm, maybe I should just stay on the Interstate highway. After all, that would make sense and get me where I’m going! Plus I’m with my wife who I’m divorcing soon, and I really want to be NOT stuck in a tiny car with her for too much longer!”


“Oh wait, no, I’m an asinine character and can’t do anything that a normal human would do. I’ll get myself lost on a deserted back road like something out of a horrible Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel where I have no idea where I’m headed at all, for no reason whatsoever. Yeah!”


“Then I’ll act like it’s my wife’s fault somehow and be a complete dick to her, because I’m a jackass of Statue of Liberty-sized proportions! Oh yeah! I’m the greatest human being on the planet!”

Gaze upon his soulless dead eyes - this is the face of no remorse and nothing holy...

Anyway, their car ends up breaking down on the side of the road and they go back and find some creepy backwoods motel where, when they enter, they hear the sounds of a woman screaming behind a closed door. A guy comes out who even Norman Bates would say isn’t trustworthy, and we see he has a remote control which he uses to pause the apparent video he was watching of a woman being murdered.


I’m not even kidding here - this is never addressed by either Wilson or Beckinsale. They never ask any questions of the guy, never talk about it among themselves and do not let it deter them from continuing to speak to the guy. Then again, as we’ll see later, our two lead characters aren’t really the top of the crop in terms of brain activity.

We see Wilson asking the guy where he can find a car repair shop open, which would make sense if we hadn’t seen in a previous scene that it was past 1:30 a.m. already.

"You gave me change and let me almost walk out the door for something you knew for a fact wasn't going to be true. You're so awesome, weird hotel pervert guy!"

What kind of car shop is open that late? Are you insane? Did you come from some magical land where car repair shops stayed open all night to accommodate the whimsy of your ridiculous driving choices? Unless you’re talking about a 24 hour service like AAA - which Wilson never mentions or even seems to think about - I’m pretty sure all of those places are closed at 2 in the fucking morning! Next time just stay on the highway, you fucking idiot.

They end up checking into the motel, which is so good it even has an open space in the rug for roaches to crawl out of:

That should be how the killers get in. Through that tiny little hole.

After some more bickering, Wilson turns on the TV (which is nothing but static) and says he needs to unwind before going to bed. It’s 2 in the fucking morning - how much could you possibly have to unwind? And I didn’t know loud annoying TV static was so comforting to you - but I’m not surprised. Then they pop in some of the videotapes left there and see…

I'm half expecting them to throw on a tape from one of the V/H/S movies. Also, wouldn't it be funny if one of the tapes they found was just a Disney movie? "Hmm, torture porn, torture porn, torture porn...oh, Aladdin! Cool!"

Seriously though, while snuff films are an interesting topic for a horror movie, this one doesn’t pull it off well. Instead we just get a bunch of ludicrous scares like this one where Wilson tries to make a call on the pay phone and then a car comes and tries to run him over, driving him back into the room, because yeah, if you don’t have any imagination, throwing in car chases and ridiculous, implausible things like that is the height of writing!


Apparently they also find out that the bad guys can enter the rooms through trap doors in the bathroom, which is why on the videos they find, it looks like the killers just appear out of nowhere.


Okay, that’s cool and all, but tell me one little thing - why the fuck don’t they just come in through the front door? The element of surprise is still there, and the place is still so secluded nobody else would see you. So why the trap doors? I think the answer is simple - because this movie is dumb as a box of rocks.

Seriously try to hold back your laughter at the scene where you see they’ve just nailed the goddamn windows shut to prevent their captives from escaping - what, so I guess bars or boards were out of stock at the local Home Depot so nails had to do, huh? Or is asking for at least one thing to make sense too much to ask?


Because this is one of those really stupid thrillers that could be over in five seconds if any amount of real world logic was applied, get this: the reason they can’t just open the door and fucking run for it, is because Wilson is paranoid they have guys waiting to catch and kill them outside. Yes, I get that they had some idiot in a car try to run them over, but come on; you’re IN THE WIDE OPEN WORLD. You aren’t locked in a room, you’re not maimed or injured, and you’re adults who are supposed to have some sense of how the world works. Make a fucking run for it. Being chased through the dark on a road that GOES somewhere, is infinitely better than being trapped in the place they want you to be so they can kill you.

This kind of story, with its limitations, would work fine as a 45-minute short film or something, because like I said, in any real world logical situation, this movie wouldn’t keep going for so long. The characters would run and it would be over a lot faster. But no. This movie doesn’t care about telling a plausible story that makes your brain work and keeps you on the edge of your seat - it’s just pandering garbage to the lowest common denominator, with the writers' attempts to make some kind of cool and original plot (i.e. two people locked in a room) foiled when they write themselves into a corner and don't have any clue how to move their story forward. So they just throw in car chases, over the top traps and “kidnapping” set-ups, pithy dialogue intended to be “dramatic” between the two leads and all manner of other stupid gimmicks to distract you from the ultimate fact that it has no real substance or anything of value to say.

I guess after that they go down in these tunnels and get scared by a bunch of rats, who I’m sure were pissed that they ended up here instead of as consultants for Ratatouille. Then they come out of the tunnels into the general store next to the motel.

You’d think THIS would be the end then, since clearly they are out in the open now and can probably escape. But nope! We have plenty more scenes of beating a dead horse to slog through joylessly...like the scene where a cop shows up, almost figures something out but then gets killed off by one of the killers before he can tell anybody about it! I’m NEVER tired of THAT scene! Not at ALL!

"I'm smart enough to tell something is a little weird...
...but not smart enough not to get killed!" And seriously, this cat-and-mouse goes on for like 10 fucking minutes before they kill this cop - GET IT OVER WITH. WE ALREADY KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH IT.

Or how about the wonderful time when Beckinsale actually gets into a car and attempts to drive away from the scene but still can’t make it out, because any competence in our main characters is unappealing - it makes the clearly drunk-off-their-asses writers (and audience for that matter) feel insecure:


Then she gets in a fight with Mr. Hotel Manager Snuff Film Man and ends up falling on her stomach on top of a gun that was dropped. This is seriously, no kidding, the way she is able to turn the tables and shoot him multiple times:


So I guess the film ends with Beckinsale and Wilson reuniting and being happy again...at least until, presumably, they get home and end up divorcing after all and hating one another again. Which would be funny to me except I really just didn’t give a shit about anything in this movie.

How was I supposed to? There was nothing to latch onto here! It was as empty a film as any I’ve seen. It was an empty piggy bank of a movie; a complete void of thought or originality. This was a bland and generic film that was very much a product of its time - similar silly movies like P2, Disturbia, The Collector and I Know Who Killed Me were also coming out at the time, i.e. films that thought they were being clever, acted like they were being clever, but didn’t want to put any real effort into actually BECOMING clever.

This movie is one marble rolling endlessly in an echoing, bare cranium. Hitchcock is frowning upon you, Vacancy.

Images copyright of their original owners; I own none of them.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Species (1995)

I didn’t really know what to do for this week’s review, as, being a colossal idiot, I forgot to take into account that there were five weeks in August - and being a somewhat neurotic personality, I really didn’t want next week’s planned review to be the last one of the month. I had planned Ghostbusters 2 for that slot. But here I was with an empty slot waiting to be filled. I was conflicted over what to do until I noticed what was coming up next on my Netflix DVD queue…


Then I was like, “Hellooooo new can of worms to be opened!”

Ew.

This was one of those horror franchises I had overlooked prior to watching the movie for this review. Frankly, I kind of wish it had stayed that way after seeing it. I mean, how was this thing funded? My guess is, it had something to do with pointing a lot of guns at crying peoples’ heads while they beg for a little more time to pay you off for the crack they bought.

Director: Roger Donaldson
Starring: Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Natasha Henstridge

Co-written with Colin/The Observer.

Oh, is our time up? I can live with that. If it means I don't have to watch a second of this horrible movie! But that would be too easy, wouldn't it?

We start off with a list of actors overtop, which I think was a bit cruel; how were they expected to forget the fact that they’d ever been in this if their names are what STARTS the damn thing off? I mean these weren’t exactly unknowns: Michael Madsen, Forest Whitaker and Ben fucking Kingsley? I dunno though - maybe this was more like the price they all paid for the Satanic oath they took in the early 90s to become big stars later.

We then see a girl being held captive in some kind of chamber with Kingsley, playing scientist Fitch. Fitch orders his people to flood the chamber with gas and turns and walks away dramatically, which is always preferable to actually making sure you did the work correctly. As, you know, if you DON’T do that, your subject might escape and flee upon an unsuspecting world.

I see this fall's theater production of Stephen King's Firestarter is going swimmingly.

Oops! Oh well. We tried!

I just think it was irresponsible of them to let the Ferguson police force act as guards for this facility. But oh well, I guess they had to give them some jobs.


The girl escapes to a train where she gets a free ticket because she’s a little girl. However, the stewardess gets what she had coming to her for giving the girl a free ticket WHEN…


Yeah! Take that, train staff who did nothing wrong!

Kingsley is busy gathering a team of complete nonsense, as he has brought together the finest minds that poor writing can produce - a sort of “Super Friends” of idiocy. We get Forest Whitaker as Dan Smithson, a psychic. There’s Michael Madsen as Lennox, a hitman. There’s molecular biologist Laura, played by Marg Heigenberger, and also anthropologist Stephen Arden - I say all of their occupations, but really aside from Madsen and Whitaker, I couldn’t tell who these characters were supposed to be without looking at Wikipedia. Becuase that’s how you make a good movie!

Oh wait, no it isn’t. These characters are just bland with no personalities outside of one-note cliche. Madsen’s line sums it up pretty well: “We’re all here for the same reason...whatever that is.”

"When can I go back to doing blow off a hooker's ass crack? This is already boring me." Seriously, Madsen in this is just like Madsen in anything else - he has two modes of expression; confused and "I don't give a fuck."

It’s called a paycheck, buddy. It’s okay to admit that when you’re in a movie with this in it:

Well they always DID say women were different from men. Though when they said "women are from Venus," I never thought they meant it so literally.

Also, why is Kingsley, a scientist, utilizing a psychic to solve his problem? Isn’t that just like the most desperate, end-of-days sign ever, when a scientist who should have all the answers is just like “Fuck it! I’m calling a psychic!”? I mean Jesus.

That wouldn't be a good sign either!

Whitaker’s character is seriously just a new wonder of the world, as every line he has is just stating the obvious without actually contributing anything. I swear all of his scenes go like this:

[WHITAKER sees a horrific blood-soaked crime scene with a murder victim lying on his stomach with a clear gunshot wound to the head. The killer is being taken away in a police car.]

WHITAKER: Something...BAD happened here….I think…


That really isn’t too far off - he sees the place where that train stewardess lady was murdered, stares at it blankly for a few seconds, clearly understanding nothing, then goes “Something bad happened here.” Where did you come up with that brilliant deduction? Did you sit at your desk for hours and pore over complex formulas for hours? Did you lose sleep as you thought for hours about the complex ramifications of every bit of that concept?

We hit the ultimate low (for the first half hour anyway) when the movie actually tries to pull off an exposition scene with Kingsley explaining how they fucked up so hard. Get this: apparently they were given some space DNA or something from aliens and blended it with human to create a little girl that aged a lot faster than regular humans. Within a month she was already looking like a five year old girl:

So basically it's just another trite "humans fuck with science" movie. We get it, humans are bad. Please shut up and stop thinking you're intellectual in any way.

Maybe if you bungholes got security that wasn’t complete fucking shit, she wouldn’t have been able to escape that easily and you wouldn’t have this problem. You made contact with alien life, fucked with it, and then didn’t even have the good sense to make ABSOLUTELY SURE she can’t get out in like two seconds. That’s fucking amazing. You guys deserve an award. But not the kind you were probably hoping you’d get.


Oh, and apparently they made it a female because they wanted it to be “more docile and easy to control” - what, did you time travel in from the 1950s white-picket-fence suburbia housewife land or what? Are you even serious?

So their next step is to figure out something in the lab. What are they doing? I have no fucking idea - sciencey stuff is just cool! Lab coats and glass chambers! Yeah!


Kingsley orders two of them to go in and fix something wrong with the equipment. They can’t use lab techs who would normally do this because, as Kingsley informs us, “it’s classified.” So they go in there and immediately break off a part of their machine by accident, and spend way longer than they ever had a right to looking for it on the floor. Gee, it’s almost like they weren’t qualified to do anything in there, huh? While they’re doing that, a horrific alien mutation somehow happens in the room and begins to grow faster than an oil-boom town:


Kingsley’s immediate response is to lock all three of the people he hired to kill this thing inside and start counting down to destroy the entire room, chanting all the while that he “has to follow protocol” like a malfunctioning ‘droid from the Stars Wars universe.


Then after Kingsley comes to his senses and hits the ‘unlock door’ button and lets them out, the room then bursts into flames:

I'm really starting to think this whole science lab thing Kingsley runs is one of those cheap back alley ones where they pay you like a hundred bucks to do tests that turn your urine blue for two weeks and make your balls itch. I really don't think it's reputable, guys.

So that’s what would have happened to these poor saps who are working for free for Kingsley’s character, if they hadn’t been let out at the last second. Let’s recap - you’ve blown up your lab, almost killed your team (and if they weren't brain dead they would never trust you again after this) and learned nothing useful at all. Overall I think it was a success. But then again, I'm a complete fraud and nothing I say can be taken seriously.

So while they’re floundering around like complete morons, the alien, called Sil, is busy buying a dress that makes her look like a fucking Power Rangers-themed bridesmaid:

She looks like a Power Rangers suit that stopped changing mid-transformation. Sailor Moon looked more subtle.

Then she goes to some club and kills a woman in the bathroom, then wears nothing but a bra and long pants and takes some guy home to kill him. Her line is as follows: “You want to go to a party?” The guy goes, “Where at?” Then she says, “I don’t know!” I realize having a half-naked woman just walking up and flirting with you is awesome and all, but come the fuck on. That’s ridiculous.

They go home and we get the entire reason this movie was made:


...to show off her beautiful eyes, hair and facial features obviously! What? Did you think I was going to say something perverted?

The next half hour or so is mostly made up of Sil going around killing random men who won’t have a baby with her, because yeah, that’s the plot now - she wants to get pregnant and have some super-baby that grows up fast like she did, which will then start a perpetual train of horrible, horrible sequels. Joyous. I dunno, just set Sil up with the land shark from Creature. They’re both horny freaks and will be perfect for each other.


So yeah, tons of scenes of Sil just killing random guys, which is cool because of boob shots mostly, because this movie is perpetually 13 years old. My favorite is this guy, who freaks out like he’s being molested by a 60-year-old fat priest when she’s taking off his underwear.


Dude, you were already making out with her in a pool with her completely naked, so what the fuck? Oh well. He did make a bit of a scramble for the phone earlier and she had to pull him back in to keep making out. So my guess is he’s got some painful self-discovery to do sometime in the future. Or he would have if she didn’t kill him immediately after.

"I have to get the phone! That's my totally not gay male friend who wants to come over and lather my body in skin-refreshing oils!"

They eventually all meet up with Sil at this hotel or whatever and she thinks it’s a great idea for some reason to come up to Forest Whitaker, stare at him for a second so he can go “it’s you” because this movie thinks its audience is retarded and can’t figure things out by themselves, and then run away.

Spoon, meet audience's mouths.

Helicopters immediately spring up from nowhere, apparently and chase them down - what, were they just lying in wait for anything to happen at all? Must have been a boring fucking night.

"Oh goodie, something to do finally!"

I guess she sneaks back later and tricks Doc Ock from the Raimi Spider-Man movies here to have sex with her, then kills him once she’s finally pregnant. Then she runs into the sewers and they have to chase her, because this wasn't enough like a shitty Stephen King adaptation already.

Then we get one of the pastimes enjoyed by every bad, unimaginative pile of crap - the “flashlights and guns in the dark wandering” scene. Oh yeah. We really needed another one of those. And I really need a good coma right about now so I can wake up after movies stop thinking scenes like this are in any way productive to humanity.

Even the characters look bored to be doing this scene. GOD it's dull!

The movie’s not done with us yet, though, as we still have THIS image to burn into our minds:

The Gerber Baby is falling on hard times after being introduced to the new drug of chemical radiation.

The baby is killed almost instantly and is thrown into the fire below - which really pisses off Sil, who for some reason was just hiding this whole time. Why is she pissed off? She can make another one in like two hours! But I guess that wouldn't give us material for '90s computer game CGI:

There's a fucking reason old monster movies like Alien, Predator and Jaws didn't show the monster - it's because they knew the effects looked fake and wanted to keep up the illusion. Smoke and mirrors, you bungholes. Why couldn't you have taken the similar path?

They knock Sil into the fire too, very easily I might add, and then all that's left to do is save Whitaker from falling in:

Please don't save him. I don't need to hear any more Captain Obvious-style lines from this moron. "Oh, thanks for saving me, you guys; I could have burnt alive if I fell in there. That would have been painful. Pain is bad. I think something really bad was going to happen if you hadn't saved me." AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Then proving the film has the highest quality writers available, we end on this line: “I never thought I’d be so happy to be back in a sewer,” as they’re leaving the caves and instead going back into the sewers.

No. That line is stupid. This movie is stupid. The characters were bland as all hell when they weren’t ungodly annoying, the story was hackneyed shit made for perverted 13-year-olds, the acting was just pitiful and the CGI was seriously just so bad I can’t even think of a good word. Pac Man is laughing at you right now, guys.

It just amazes me that this somehow got enough money and fans to warrant sequels. Three sequels! That’s astounding to me! And they’re probably all even worse than this, which is hard to imagine at this point. What, did the directors of those sequels just blackmail the studio execs? I really don’t want to imagine the kind of blackmail it would require to allow THIS piece of sewer slime spawn sequels. Ugh.

This whole thing is just pure stale '90s cheese at its worst. It's extremely dated now, but I doubt it ever had much shelf life on it even back when it came out. This thing is just pure ass. If you have a chance to pass it up, take it like you would if you were offered a million dollars. You won't regret it and your brain cells will thank you later.

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