Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Why Prisoners is the Best Crime Film in Years

Last year’s Prisoners was a hell of a crime film. When I saw it earlier this year for the first time, my eyes couldn’t be pried from the screen without the use of a crowbar. It blew open the gates for what I hope to be a ‘silver age’ for the modern crime film – after so many years of just absolute crap, nothing but the worst, I really think Prisoners was a huge breath of fresh air.


Prisoners is a long, dense and dark trip. Its story revolves around a father, Keller Dover (Hugh Jackman), whose daughter disappears on Thanksgiving dinner along with the daughter of a friend of his. As the detective on the case (Jake Gyllenhaal) races to find the kidnappers within the boundaries of the law, Keller grows impatient and begins to take matters into his own hands.

Picture from apersistentvision.blogspot.com. 

It’s just a brilliantly done film. Every plot twist just makes everything darker. The world the movie gives us is just so brutal and harsh. As much as Keller tries to make things better and return them to the status quo – i.e. with his daughter safe and sound – the worse and worse things he has to keep doing. He turns to kidnapping and then torture to get what he wants.

Picture from kianfai87.blogspot.com.

The film builds up to a blood-boiling climax – fast-paced and tense. I don’t want to spoil too much of it here, as you should go out and see this movie yourselves. With its macabre atmosphere – rife with grey skies, rain and tall trees – and the palpable fear of losing one’s child, Prisoners takes a simple, direct story and makes it an absolute heart-stopping thriller. It’s a simple back-to-basics crime story that hits you where you live.

Picture from filmschoolrejects.com. 

So, what makes it so much better than its competition?

The difference between a good crime film and a bad one is often just a matter of degrees. I mean, sure, you can measure some of them by the usual standards – bad acting, sloppy directing. But oftentimes, it’s harder to discern, and even comes down to a simple matter of opinion at times. Crime films are a pretty bare-bones subset of movies. They don’t require heavy special effects and imaginative creation of new worlds like sci fi and fantasy, and you don’t need to have the inventive scares and atmosphere of a horror film.

All you need for a crime film is the basic storytelling skills to put together a compelling mystery or ‘good guy catches bad guy’ tale.

Throw in some moral grey area, a bit of human darkness – and voila, you have a good crime film.

It’s all in the writing. It’s a meat-and-potatoes genre that you really need talent to write. In the past few decades, we’ve had some really, really good crime films. Se7en. L.A. Confidential. The Pledge. Mystic River. Dirty fuckin’ Harry – practically the genesis of modern crime films. Zodiac – what a godlike film.

Picture from youtube.com.

Recently, however, we’ve been experiencing a drought of them … with craptacular films like Law Abiding Citizen, The Call and Black Dahlia clogging up the arteries, it seemed the crime film had become a lost art. These films relied on cheap gimmicks and trashy sex and violence to reach points that were, at best, completely muddled and incoherent – if not absolutely deplorable like Law Abiding Citizen.

Because you know how it is, if your family gets killed, it's totally OK to go slaughter a bunch of lawyers and jail guards just doing their fucking jobs. Picture from westerngazette.ca.

The reason for this seemed to be the same thing that happened to horror films after Freddy and Jason caught on big back in the 80s: the dumbing-down effect. It’s the same thing that happens any time a particular subset of entertainment catches on – things get over-saturated.

SCALPS IN A FRIDGE AARRGGRRRHHRRRGGGG ... but seriously, this still pisses me off. From my review of The Call. Go check that one out for my full rant on this.

People right now are obsessed with crime stories and serial killers. Maybe moreso than before. They want more, so they get more – the only problem is, a lot of what we’re getting now just sucks. As the law of averages goes, if you continue adding in more and more of something, eventually the quality begins to slip, and as with anything, you get more and more hack writers and directors just trying to make a buck. This is unavoidable.

And yeah, don’t get me wrong – there were always crap movies in this genre. Just look at this early film from acclaimed director Christopher Nolan (its title accurately describes what it will cure), or Deadfall, which I reviewed here years ago – a dreadful film. These days though, the signal-to-noise ratio is getting way too unbalanced for my liking. I think this trend started with Dexter – this trend of mental junk-food serial killer stories. Dexter was a pretty awesome show. For what it was – a pure dumb, fun show with some cool characters and exciting plots – it was great. Just a blast to watch.

Picture from morbidlyamusing.com.

There’s the cincher though – how dumb can entertainment be before it just becomes groan-worthy rather than fun?

I think you need a certain balance between the two. There’s something to be said for ridiculously over the top stories and unrealistic plots, as long as you can still make people believe in the world and characters you’re showing them. With Dexter, you did get to do that. The characters were all likable and you got into their stories and the world at large. You cared – you wanted to see more.

That’s why Prisoners is so good. You care about the characters so much that your blood curdles when the girls go missing in the first ten minutes. While you don’t get much insight into their inner souls as characters, you don’t need that. The characters are written like normal people, and written well – they could be your next door neighbors or your in-laws or your best friends. You don’t really need that much character development if you have such a good command over your writing skills that you can make the characters come alive and seem like real people just through their actions and daily lives.

Picture from nextprojection.com.

Prisoners also had a lot of atmospheric depth and nuance in the story. Whatever your connection to the film – as everyone will have a different reaction – it’s bound to have some impact. Prisoners is an engrossing and well-made film in its genre.

Unfortunately, not every film in the genre has such high standards. Many of them are content with gimmickry and cash-in, flashy writing in place of actual substance. You go beyond the point of entertainment when you can’t get into the world and the characters, when the plot holes and dumb-ass nature of the storytelling simply becomes too much. It’s a point everyone will need to define for themselves.

However, I for one hope people start to pay more attention to Prisoners. I also hope we continue to get more good films in the same vein. Let’s usher in a new era of amazing, well done crime films, ladies and gents!

Until then, I will be taking you all to the dark side of this coin when I review one of the worst films I’ve ever seen later on this week…

Sunday, April 13, 2014

A Taste of Things to Come

Coming to an Internet near you this summer from the world-renowned and critically appraised movie review site Cinema Freaks...





And more!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

The Conjuring (2013)

I know some people like this movie for some reason, so allow me to express my opinion of it in the most balanced, well-reasoned and fair way possible.

It fucking sucks ass! Why would anyone like this cancer-boil on the face of horror? It’s the same thing as every other unoriginal Exorcist-wannabe horror movie released since fucking Emily Rose and there is nothing – I repeat, N-O-T-H-I-N-G – original about it at all! Not to mention it’s boring as hell and incredibly poorly written – like, first-year-college drama students wouldn’t even pen something this dross. I don’t even think there’s a scary moment to be found. Fuck it!

Ahem. Okay. Now that’s out of my system and we can move on with the review.

Director: James Wan
Starring: Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson, Lili Taylor

The Conjuring is the latest in a series of modernized horror movies made by James Wan. Wan got really famous back in the day for directing Saw, but then he went on to completely destroy that potential by directing Dead Silence. He made a good move by going with the mega-hit Insidious a few years later, but after that he seems to have decided “fuck it,” and just went back to doing complete shit like Insidious 2 and this movie. The Conjuring is a film that seems to forget there’s anything else you can possibly do with a movie besides rip off Poltergeist and The Exorcist. That’s really about it. Let’s take a look.

We kick off with a bunch of kids talking to the dad from Insidious and the mom from Orphan – a totally credible pair of characters, if you remember anything about their original movies. I’d trust them to exorcise my house about as much as I’d trust Dr. Kevorkian to treat cancer patients who have billion-dollar trust funds somewhere.

He kills old ladies and she slaps little girls in hospitals, I sure trust them any day to deal with my supernatural problems. Added bonus for the fact that Insidious Dad had ghosts following him around most of his life and ended up putting his whole family in danger more than once. Sounds trustworthy to me!

Apparently these two are paranormal researchers. The kids talking to them feed them some dumb story about how they let an evil ghost haunt their doll. Then when it started being, well, evil, they threw it out, but it kept on coming back. This whole thing is really just a Goosebumps story. Night of the Living Dummy? And this is supposed to be a serious modern horror movie. Get the fuck out.

WHAT? I can't believe bad stuff happened when we let an evil spirit live in our creepy ass doll! Yes, that's really the plot here. No, I haven't figured out a way to kill the writers yet.

We then switch over to bland 70s family with bland 70s wannabe lighting and color on the screen. They’re moving into a new house. This house has all the perks – places to play hide and seek in AND scary doors that open and close with ominous sound effects laid overtop! We get a long string of just dull as hell scenes – just this family going through every dull attempt at a scare this movie tries to pass off. Their oldest daughter is incredibly bitchy and annoying, and one of the younger daughters sleepwalks.

Witchcraft! Well, maybe if it was the 1770s, but I know it’s not that time period. This movie is too busy trying to shoehorn in blatant references to the 1970s. It’s about as subtle as the Brian De Palma Black Dahlia’s attempt to recreate the ‘40s. Sepia tones and stupid haircuts don’t make your movie any better.

Oh, and the dog dies:

Oh man, our dog just died! Let's never investigate why this happened and never mention it in the movie again. We are so awesome.

Fuck you. Also it’s never mentioned again, and they never investigate it. Glad to see they cared so much about their pet.

If that doesn’t make them care about creepy happenings at the house, how about their daughter having a nightmare and then waking up talking about someone wanting the family dead?


No, I guess that’s not enough to care or move out of the house at all. What’s the reason given for this again? Oh yeah, because they have money invested in the house. That trumps the safety of your family.

You know what does finally get them to do something about it though? One night they’re all sleeping and the sleepwalking daughter comes in, waking up bitchy daughter. Then they see a Grudge ghost and the bitchy daughter starts fighting with herself.

The daughter needs to quit watching bad Japanese movies before bed - they're not doing her imagination much good.

That apparently is enough. They hire Insidious Dad and Orphan Mom onto their case and they get right on it. What follows is about an hour of some of the most boring crap you’ll see in a horror movie these days. It has everything. You got the endless, boring scenes of people talking about whatever ancient histories and pasts the movie somehow thought was interesting – it’s not. It’s really not.

What kind of brain-mash thought this up? It’s practically just an afterthought – toss in some Satanic warbling about ghosts and killing babies, and you got yourself a poorly written horror backstory. Who even gives a shit? Just be honest about it. “We don’t really care at all about establishing a coherent, meaningful or scary story. We just wanted to make a cash grab in time for the end of the summer season. Just send us your money now, you corporate whore rider!”

"Why yes, this scene has been done in every other horror movie in the last decade. But we're still doing it. Because we just don't give a crap."

Play that over these scenes – it’ll be less deceptive. It’s not like there’s anything going on. Some crap about Satanic sacrifice and possession. Bitch, please. If you sacrificed anyone involved in this movie to Satan, he’d just send them right back to Earth with a little pink sticky note saying “Please try again” on it. But I digress – the movie sucks. That’s all I was trying to say.

We also get cliché jump scare scenes, of which there are too many to name. Ooh, are they going to have a quiet scene and then get real loud for the jump scare? Fucking don’t keep me waiting too long – the suspense is killing me. Yes, movie, bouncy balls truly are the way to keeping an audience on the edge of its seat:

40 minutes in and the scariest thing in the fuckin movie is a bouncy ball. Man, this is such a giant piece of shit.
"A bouncy ball killed my father..."

AAAAAGGGGHHHH THAT’S MY ONE GREATEST FEAR!

Don’t tell anyone. I can trust you, right?

But hey, it’s not like we’ve hit every cliché. There’s still one we’re missing! At least they haven’t done anything involving an exorcism yet – oh, wait. It’s the next scene where they mention that. And here I was having some form of hope for humanity left in my soul.

We’ll get to the exorcism soon enough. Before that wonderful scene, we have other things to contend with, like dying birds:


Those are never really talked about either. This movie just seems to hate animals.

We also get some despicably poor dialogue from almost every character. Like when they’re all having a sunny breakfast together the following morning – always good after a fresh round of bird suicides – and the mother says “The house hasn’t been like this in a long time!” Yeah, especially considering you moved in and the creepy shit started the next morning when the dog died. Oh, wait, I forgot nobody in the movie gave a shit about that – my bad.

How about when Insidious Dad gets handed some pancakes from the little girl who was also in Orphan? He’s like “They really are a nice family.” Yes, nice families truly are judged by the number of times little girls hand you pancakes. You goddamned weirdo.

There’s also a scene later where Mr. 70s Bowl Cut Dad finds Insidious Dad working on an old car. 70s Bowl Cut Dad says Insidious Dad “really looks like he knows what he’s doing,” even though all Insidious Dad is doing is sticking his hands inside the open hood of a car. How does that equal “knowing what he’s doing,” you fucking idiot? He could be wiring a car bomb to your engine! Granted, that’s implausible – though it would make this movie so much more entertaining.


Ugh, point is, the dialogue sucks. I guess that’s to be expected when most of the movie consists of dog-shit exposition spouted out like a broken leaky faucet in that scummy bathroom on the subway.

After that we get a scene where the demon tries to snatch the bitchy daughter. I’m not really sure what he’s trying to accomplish – he kinda just drags her around the room. Maybe that’s how he “gets to know” new girls. Or maybe he’s just really bad at “Tag.” Either way, you want to know what they do to free the daughter? Well, no, you don’t care. But I’ll tell you – they just cut off the part of her hair that the demon is holding onto. That somehow stops the demon from doing anything else.

Awesome, she can fly!

What the hell? What kinda pansy-assed pussy demon is this? Is cutting off that one part of her hair really enough? What a wuss. He probably slinked back into the shadows with his tail between his legs. Captain Howdy is laughing at you, you moron.

Elsewhere in the film’s rolls of fat we get references to other movies, like the aforementioned Captain Howdy – referenced here in a music box one of the little girls is holding. It’s poorly thought out and means almost nothing.


Well, “almost” is actually giving the film too much credit. We also get references to the previous movies these actors have been in, like several nods to Insidious in the house and the layout of the rooms. I’m pretty sure the scene where the Orphan mom is looking around the house is almost identical to the beginning of Insidious. Later on we get people looking around a bedroom with UV lights, similar to a certain scene in Orphan.

The first and third pics are from this movie, the second and fourth are from Insidious and Orphan respectively. Can you tell the difference? I wouldn't be able to if I hadn't been the one who took these screenshots. I really think this just points out the deficiency in how samey all of these modern horror movies look, both in the lighting/cinematography and the set pieces. We need some more original shit in the mix.

Originality, what’s that?!

The crowning failure of this whole mess is the climax, in which we get all the same old exorcism clichés you’ve seen before. I’ve gone on rants about this before, but honestly, fuckin’ honestly, what is the appeal? I understand not hating this kind of scene – maybe if these kinds of scenes really scare you for whatever reason. Maybe if you are actually the son of Satan yourself, hissing at the cross, that would scare you. Otherwise I just don’t see it.

Worst frat party hazing ever.

The scene is overly long and cluttered, with maybe a couple nice shots I guess – but mostly it’s pretty weak. There’s some crap shoved in about how the possessed wife has to remember this one really nice day at the beach with her family – this day she apparently said she would never forget.

And nobody is wearing a swimsuit for some reason.

It’s just so forced and contrived – those are the only words. What do we know about this character? She likes the beach. What does that tell us about her personality? She … likes the beach. What relevance does that have to the overall meaning of the story or of her character arc? She likes the fucking beach! God! Can’t you deliver one thing of substance?

Eh, I guess not. Just have a bland happy ending scene of the family hugging out in the sunlight. Because horror movies always have happy endings.


Wait, no they don’t. That’s pretty much the cincher on why this sucks: name one good horror movie with a totally happy ending like this one. I mean it really fucking is – it’s wrapped up nice and neat in a pink bow with a complimentary box of Peeps along with it and a note from the Easter Bunny. There’s no darkness here! Where’s the foreboding and the fear? Name one horror movie that’s any good, that ends in a happy-go-lucky manner like this one does.

Maybe the reasoning for this was the “Based on a True Story” tagline. But really, if the defense is “oh, they’re keeping it true to the original family” – well, no, that is not an excuse at all. You clearly showed no regard for any semblance of reality when you included the exorcism scenes with the screamy bloody ghosts and rolled-backwards eyes. I don’t care how people remembered it in real life – the way it’s presented here is just like any other craptastic exorcism horror film. Not real life.

Frankly, I think this got it closer to real life:


Images copyright of their original owners, I own none of them.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell (2001)

As a drawback to wishing for something as great as Wishmaster 2, I also had to sit through its Yin Yang counterpart – Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell. Or more realistically – Beyond the Gates of Total Horseshit.

Director: Chris Angel
Starring: Jason Connery, A.J. Cook

I mean this is just total garbage. What the hell happened? It’s not like we were asking for much; just more goofy jokes and retarded genie scenes. But this movie couldn’t even give us that. What it does give us is a black hole of hope for humanity from which it will be impossible to return. Those with weak stomachs are advised to turn back now – this is going to be painful!

We start off this one with a fitting metaphor for the ensuing 85 minutes we’re about to be tortured with:

If you're hoping to get some kind of explanation for this, don't waste your time. It's just the typical horror movie crap - "hey, we can't think of a backstory or any real character traits for our lead!" "Just throw in a horrible car accident story!"

Apparently this is a flashback from our main character, Bland White Girl. She's a part of a hit reality show, Attractive People on Rooftops, along with her dumb looking boyfriend.

I love hanging out on rooftops almost as much as I love killing my career by appearing in movies like this.

What's her personality like, you ask? Well, she's bland, a girl, and her British college professor wants to fuck her. Magical, isn't it?

I made a joke about the teacher wanting to fuck her, then literally a few scenes later he's trying to get her to have dinner with him. What a total scumbag loser he is.

If you’re wondering if this is going to have anywhere near the level of schlocky goodness as the other two – well, let me just put it like this: Andrew Divoff, who played the genie in the first two, is nowhere to be found. I’m imagining the scenario where he got the script for this one: “No one craps out coins or fucks themselves in the ass Yoga style in this movie? Please, I have better things to do.” Instead, the genie takes the body of the douchebag English college professor.

Not before enacting his greatest fantasy though – two beautiful women, topless, scratching his eyes out:

I wonder what these girls' diaries look like. "Well, my time in Hollywood trying to become an actor is kind of rough. I got a part in a movie, then it turned out the only thing I had to do was get naked, make out with some middle aged guy and then kill him. I wanted some character with depth and subtlety, but I guess this is the only role I'm fit to play. Sigh. I miss the days when women were stereotyped as the damsel in distress in horror films instead of ... whatever this is."

If you ever wanted Wishmaster themed porn, well, this is the closest you’d get. Not to mention the genie’s voice is soaked in echo and reverb like he’s speaking from the bottom of a laundry chute. Which, to be fair, is the only place you’d find this movie, so I guess it fits.

The genie takes over the professor’s body and goes to find Bland White Girl, because she summoned him I guess. Meanwhile we get two jackasses getting ready to screw. The girl has a very typical way of surprising her boyfriend: jumping out from the shadows while wearing a giant bull’s head mask.


Yeah, I’ve done that a lot too.

Then they start having sex while porto-potty-ready alt rock music plays in the background. It’s a mercifully short scene, but even so – this is just as bad as the fucking Hitcher remake or fucking Bad Kids Go to Hell; just the bottom of the barrel. Throw in the following scene where of course we need to see every step of this girl getting dressed:

I can picture this scene being rehearsed in my mind: "Uh, Mr. Director, don't you think we could just skip all of this and go directly to her being dressed? Wouldn't the audience be able to figure out that was what happened?" "NO! We have to show this!"

She runs into Professor English Fuckwit, who turns her down, as he’s only into bland girls with no personality and blond hair. What a shame. Now she’s all dressed up with nowhere to go on the weekend – Friday nights spent in the dorm after being rejected by a 40-year-old college professor who’s actually a thousand-year-old genie were always the lowlights of college.

Bland White Girl is too busy talking about her equally bland boyfriend with the other chick. Because, you know, all girls really talk about by themselves is boys and love. To be fair, though, Bland White Girl does somehow discover all about the genie and what he’s done to the professor a few scenes later. Her boyfriend shows up at her dorm and she asks if he loves her. He says he’s come to ask the same question: “DO I LOVE YOU?” I dunno. Look deep in the pools of reflection at the moonlit garden of the sacred talisman and you may find the answer to this deep Zen question.

This is the only place you can get the answers you seek.

She blabbers about the genie and he doesn’t believe her. He’s more concerned about whether or not they love each other. Genies are going to destroy the world! Let’s talk about our relationship. Makes a lot of sense to me. I guess they are about the same level of seriousness in this movie – the whole genie plot really is just kind of swept under the rug here, and never explained all that well. The other two movies had too much plot, this one has too little. Can’t there ever be a happy medium?

The answer is in the crystal ball:

Huh. Well, OK then.

The genie is trying to figure out information about Bland White Girl while this is going on, going to the school’s file clerk or something and asking about her. The file clerk wishes all the files would go up in flames – I think she’s related to this guy:


Anyway, I guess the genie was drunk, because the lady ends up bursting into flames! Human combustion is so wacky. You can just never predict what’s gonna happen! Ha ha ha … why did I ever think it was a good idea to watch this movie?

So we get some really dull scenes of Bland White Girl and her dumbass boyfriend trying to convince everyone the genie is real. They all think she’s crazy as expected. Why bother having anything compelling or interesting in your movie when you can just do the same clichés as everyone else? Snore.

I WILL EAT YOU, RAGGGRRRHHHRAAAGGG!!!

There’s also another scene with that slutty girl hitting on the genie/professor. She says she likes her men older because all the boys in school are dumb or something – I so love how every female character in this movie is written to be single-mindedly obsessed with boys and sex and nothing else. Give the first two Wishmasters credit; they were dumb, but at least they didn’t just phone it in with lame crap like this.

We then get a confrontation between Bland White Girl, her boyfriend and the genie in a church. The genie kidnaps this one girl and somehow, I think, plays on her wish to be skinnier by giving her a magic liposuction:

Yeah, not only do we get yet another horrible female stereotype - they only want to be skinny and beautiful! Ugh - but also a flat out disgusting, nasty, unpleasant death scene like this. This isn't fun at all. Fuck this movie and fuck this scene in particular.

What’s up with the lame death scenes? These aren’t entertaining at all. What happened to the goofy over the top gore-fest deaths from the last two movies? I also love how Bland White Girl actually has to think about saving Anorexia Girl. I guess the logic is that if she makes three wishes, the genie will be able to destroy the Earth – same thing as the last film. But seeing as she hasn’t done any wishes yet, why not use one to save her friend? I guess it’s a tough decision, if you’re a terrible human being.

Then the genie is about to kill her boyfriend, when she wishes to invoke the spirit of the Archangel Michael to help her. How did she know this would work? The movie doesn’t even know. To distract you, we get the Archangel Michael possessing the body of the boyfriend. He speaks in a goofy deep voice that doesn’t in any way fit with the boyfriend’s rather wimpy look:

I will kill you with the rage of a thousand flannel shirts and downloaded Linkin Park albums!

It’s pretty much hilarious for all the wrong reasons. It’s also the only part of this whole goddamn movie that is actually enjoyable. The other ones were a laugh a minute; this one has goofy over dramatic voices like you’d expect a father telling his kids a bedtime story would use. Sad, what these movies have come to.

So we get a ridiculous fight scene between the genie and Michael the Archangel, and it’s about as lame as you’d think – why this movie thinks it can pull off a serious epic fight scene is beyond me. I’m just amazed any of these actors stayed on set the whole time without bursting out laughing. Or falling asleep, for that matter.

The genie gets away and goes to find one of the other girls. For some reason her wish involves being eaten by mice?


Fuck it, I don’t know – this movie wasn’t trying, so why should I bother trying to understand it? This face is all you need to know about this scene:

This guy is the worst genie ever!

During another fight scene, Michael cuts off the genie’s arm – it’s just a flesh wound, though.


Give the movie credit, though – they shoehorn in an action-movie style car chase next, taking up a couple minutes of runtime for no reason other than the movie’s sheer desperation to keep the audience awake. It’s not working.

They have a final showdown on the rooftop. Bland White Girl whips out a Deus Ex Machina if I’ve ever seen one – the genie can’t fulfill its prophecy if she dies, since she was the one who summoned him. So she tries to jump off the roof. The genie catches her, though, and tries to pull her back up. She decides the best way to respond to this situation is to stab the genie through the chest with a sword:


So, awesome! She doesn’t have to fall anymore and the day is saved! Even though the genie has proved before that being physically wounded doesn’t kill him – even just a scene or two ago. So that doesn’t make sense. But at least she doesn’t have to fall to her almost certain death or horrible injury now!


… whoops. And she’s spending the next year and a half in a full body cast. Except she doesn’t, because somehow she’s OK and Michael the Archangel turns back into her bland boyfriend.


So I guess they live happily ever after as the blandest, least interesting couple ever. At least they have that awesome story about how a genie killed all their friends though! That’s always a real crowd pleaser at parties. They didn’t even bother showing everyone killed by the genie coming back to life in this one. I guess they’re all still dead and the college will shut down after a scandal where one of the professors murdered everyone. Then again, if Penn State can survive a sexual abuse scandal, I'm sure this place will be A-OK.

This is crap. The only thing the boredom in this movie accomplishes is numbing your mind from the constant blatant misogyny on display - disgusting really. I’m amazed the director wasn’t told mid-production to pack up his shit and go home. Maybe he had some kind of infernal pact with a genie himself. He wished for the ability to make a movie, but the downside was, the movie he made wasn’t a good one!

The genie then further punished him by forcing him to make Wishmaster 4. If you wish to see me review that horrible movie too, well, let me grant your wish and take you four years back in time…

Click the picture!

The only downside is, now you’re stuck in 2010 forever and have to live out life from then on! Mwuhahaha! Okay, I’m done now. The movie has clearly sucked all the funny out of me. Until next week!

Images copyright of their original owners.